So, last week I cut a lot of my hair off. It used to come about half way down my back. Now – well the longest bits are about 10 centimetres and, although the hair dresser never got out the clippers, the back is very short. Like, you can’t make it messy.

I made this massive change for quite a few reasons. One was that I have been feeling pretty frumpy. Over the last 18 months I’ve lost close to 10 kilos due to anxiety – first about the bushfires, then about a family member having extremely major surgery (and I couldn’t help out because our car was hail damaged so I couldn’t get there) in the middle of a COVID outbreak last year, and more recently about the house flooding and about my cancer diagnosis. So a lot of my clothes look kind of baggy and ill fitting (and I buy them from charity shops anyway so they were never tailored). And then, after the surgery, for a few weeks I couldn’t even do my own hair because I wasn’t allowed to lift my left arm above my head. So most of the time, I just had it plaited down the side of my head where I could reach it easily. It was practical but not flattering. And then of course, there’s the surgery itself. It’s not good for the ego losing a part of yourself that is a symbol of femininity (especially if like me, you have been plagued by people mistaking you for the other sex). And then, there’s the question of possible chemo – and it if it happens and I lose all my hair, wouldn’t it be better to have less to lose?

So, not without serious reservations, I went off and made this drastic change. I love long hair. I always have. The way it falls or catches without the owner being especially conscious of it. Its softness and shine. Curls or straight. Dark or fair. Burnished or silvered. But, the fact of the matter is, having cut mine off, I know it didn’t suit me. My face looks a better shape now, the bags under my eyes less dominating… I look healthier, I think, with my shorn locks.

But what about my children? So much change already this year – new school, moving house (twice, now we are home again!), a sick Mummy, and now a Mummy who has drastically changed her appearance. It’s all very confronting. And tonight my little boy thrust his little chin out at me and point blank refused to go to bed and, no matter what I threatened him with, he said “I don’t care”. And I was so angry and felt so powerless. But later, when the storm had passed, and I had calmed down, I thought “Powerless is exactly how he feels”. And I felt terrible because at least I had enough control to march out and cut my hair. Poor little kid. I wanted to run back down to his bedroom and wake him up just to give him a big old hug.

33 thoughts on “Impacts.

  1. I think it’s a valuable lesson to learn the things we are powerless to change, and those we are not. My children are also very sensitive to changes in my appearance. I just tell them gently that it is up to me how I decide to dress/wear my hair. Normally they are positive and notice when I get dressed up, because it doesn’t happen often 🀣

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  2. I know how hard it is to give up the hair. I wear mine long even though I am old. You have faced so much in the past year, I think you deserve a change in your hairstyle. I found your post beautiful. Thank you for being so vulnerable for us. It takes great courage to do that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for sharing this. Take care of yourself. And if it’s any consolation, my six year old tells me almost every day he’s not going to bed, and he’s not eating dinner, and he’s not going to school…

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  4. It’s a lot of change and opportunities to teach your children about change. I’m about to go chop my hair off too. I think I am just tired of messing with it! Summer is a good time to go short! πŸ’—

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  5. It is a lot for any family to go through. I remember having a huge tantrum as a child when I was worried about a family issue. I’ve never divulged the reason for the tantrum to my family. Perhaps they thought I was a spoiled brat or maybe like you, they knew something was up.
    Do you think your little boy might come to love your new haircut if you let him know that your hair dries more quickly now that you’ve cut it so you don’t get as cold on winter mornings?

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    1. Maybe. πŸ™‚. I think he’s acclimatizing. He sees me more often than I see me so I figure he will get used to it quicker. He gets very anxious about change. But once it comes to pass, he’s usually better at grabbing it by the horns than his sister. But there has to be a crack point, I figure.

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  6. Passionate pen. Parenting is stressful without all these other stresses, but you’re adapting and riding these speed bumps. That’s all any of it is. Hugs to you-and what a lucky little one, to have such an introspective and caring mom.

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  7. Ohhhhh, Worms ❀ I feel humbled to read this and just moved. Thank you for sharing your humanity and just your wonderful honesty. You make me want to share more. I'm sure your hair looks just awesome (though of course I'm reading this a lot later so it's probably not the same). I hope your health is blooming now ❀

    Excuse me, I'm jumping around your blog a bit! I keep clicking on the suggested posts at the bottom. I'm glad I did πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. It was quite heart-wrenching to read this again. My hair is now shorter than it was when I cut it that time. :-). Chemo got rid of it entirely and now I like it short. Sadly I didn’t keep the chemo curls. I was hoping I would.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. ❀ Short hair looks cool though. You can wear flower crowns, have an Elvis quiff, or dye it with ease. Spike it out. Wear hats! If you have the time or the inclination, that is! πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      2. And sorry I made you read that again. It’s sad but beautiful. You may not wish to but many journals would love a memoir piece like this, they often ask for them in call outs. Just a thought. I only say that cause your stuff would definitely resonate with people.

        Liked by 1 person

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