tectonic love, I know
you’re too old to start again
you swaddle me
in your gauzy scarf
those rapscallion clouds
spelling sunsets
or possibly the daydreams of fire ants
nest unravelled
one cicada alone is beautiful
beaten rainbow wings -
(note the azalea swirls
like shokunin steel)
but we are a carnival
roaring against your gums
our brief existence
swarms your rib cage
your laughing bones
warm as ginger
spew blood
and we discover our deaths
Rejected by 3Elements. My Mum (my best critic but she didn’t see this until after I’d sent it off) loved the first two stanzas but found the second two a little confusing. Be interested to know if others feel the same.
Out of the Cave 
I agree with your mother. This is one of the problems for a writer when trying to include three words that have no apparent connection. The first two stanzas are perfect (very Wormsie). However, I tripped over “gums” – probably because it’s a ‘gummy’ word. It’s possible that switching to personification in the last stanza made it feel disconnected. Having said all that, as a stand-alone that last stanza is excellent – it just doesn’t feel connected with the first two stanzas.
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Thanks so much ! Excellent feedback, especially because Mum tripped over gums too. I think you’re right about personification being too much of a change of … style.
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The poems moves like a cicada. I think the ending is equally strong.
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I got lost on the cicada. Not sure what that stanza added but reassuringly I was on, or perhaps in, more solid ground with the last stanza.
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Thanks Tracy. That feedback is so appreciated .
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Bloody love those rapscallion clouds! :-D. Adore the whole thing though, Worms, tectonic love, the daydreams of fire ants and the whole of that last stanza wraps it up so beautifully, I just love it.
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Thank you!!!!!! So glad you like it. This poem is under review so .. well it’s glad to get your vote. 😄
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I hope you don’t change anything! You’re welcome.
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